Just the other day I had a call from one of my friends who is a human resources director. She’s an utterly lovely person who is committed to her career and who struggles to say no to her boss, the CEO. On our call she told me how she is working 11-hour days and most weekends. It is proving physically and emotionally costly to her. She knows she is being taken for granted and is getting little in return. Yet despite this she still doesn’t feel comfortable to push back or say no.
Do you recognise yourself or your colleagues in this? It is all too common. And we already know it doesn’t benefit us. Often, rather than receiving appreciation and other rewards, we simply get exploited. The more you say yes, the more your manager will ask of you. If you make the mountainous workload and the long hours you work look effortless, your boss is likely to assume it is easy for you. They will keep piling you high.
It would be simple enough to tell you to stop. To ‘just say no’ to excessive requests from your manager. But that’s a suggestion that sounds like the 1980s anti-drugs campaign that led to more drug taking. If you are going to tackle this and make some changes the first thing you need is to take a look at the motivations for your behaviour. Only then will you be able to get your hands on the other thing you’ll need: a generous helping of courage. So before we offer some practical suggestions on how to break this habit, let’s look at why saying yes is often the default position.
Why do you say yes?
Because it’s easy to say yes
Just as you’re thinking I really don’t have time… there go my plans for the weekend… surely you could ask someone else!... that three-letter word is up in the air, well on its journey to your boss’s ear, and there’s no way to call it back.
To be liked
Hands up if you consider yourself a people-pleaser. As children we were socialised to respect our elders, be polite and considerate. Some of us were taught that other people’s needs are more important than our own. And we were praised when we accommodated other people’s wishes.
For your professional development
Perhaps you see every request as a chance to develop new skills. Perhaps you’ve been told to raise your profile at work and become more visible so that you get considered for future promotions. Saying yes to your boss can feel like the easiest way to do this.
The need to be needed
You might secretly like being the person your boss comes to: the idea that they couldn’t survive without you. It’s a sign that you are trusted to do a good job. And you feel safer if you can feed the belief that you are indispensable.
Are you susceptible to Super-Helper Syndrome?
If you’re finding it difficult to say no, it could be a sign that you are experiencing the Super-Helper Syndrome – a compulsion to help others, even at the cost of neglecting your own needs. If that’s you, then it’s the result of some deeply held beliefs about why you should help everyone and why your own needs don’t matter. It’s by unpacking those beliefs that you can change your whole mindset about helping. Then you can learn to protect your own boundaries without feeling guilty. That’s a bigger project, but for now, here are some tactics for you to build the courage to push back in a respectful manner.
Assertiveness
Explain how you feel. Is it possible your boss doesn’t even know they are asking too much of you? If you haven’t been communicating assertively, they can’t be expected to know. If your boss is a reasonable person, explain your predicament, remind them you take pride in your work and want to be helpful. Then tell them that taking on this much impacts the quality of what you deliver. On the other hand, if your boss is a tyrant, you either need to stand up to them (see below for tips), or acknowledge that they’re unlikely to change. That leaves you with two choices, to put up with it, or quit.
Failproof options for how to push back
- Actively listen to their perspective: Use their words in your response to demonstrate you’ve understood: I can appreciate you are also under pressure at the moment
- Don’t apologise: I’d like to help but I have an appointment at 18.30 and need to leave on time. If you need to, repeat your position (without apologising)
- Redirect the request: The best person to help you with this would be X
- Buy time: I’ll have to check my diary first, then get back to you
- Use assertive non-verbals: Keep breathing, remain quite still (i.e. don’t fidget, flick your hair or nod in agreement), make good eye contact, use silences to your advantage. Low status body-language often compounds the problem for those who say yes too easily
- Believe it yourself: If you believe what you are saying without feeling guilty, it will all be more authentic and others will take you more seriously.
While saying yes to requests for help can benefit your career or self-esteem in the short term, it’s pretty clear that most of the other consequences for you are negative - you are the one who ends up suffering. It might help you to remember one thing when you are next being asked for help: your ultimate responsibility is not your boss, not your employer, not your team, it is to yourself… looking after your own needs, protecting your own boundaries and asserting your human rights. Because if you aren’t doing these things who is going to?
Jess Baker and Rod Vincent, pictured beiow, are chartered psychologists and the authors of The Super-Helper Syndrome: A Survival Guide for Compassionate People (Flint Books)
